On Being Seen as a Wheelchair
This week, I went to my uncle’s funeral. It was at 11 AM and a little over 30 minutes from my house, so we were rushing, because mornings are tough for us. My whole family hasn’t had to go anywhere all together that early in quite a while, much less somewhere where we all need to look nice and put together. And it’s pretty hard to arrive late and slide in inconspicuously when your group has two loud motorized wheelchairs in tow. So we were rushing! My mom and I were heading in first, and while we were rounding the front entrance to get to the out-of-the way accessible entrance, a woman who was about my mom’s age stopped us for a second.
“Are you [my aunt’s] sister?” she asked, seemingly looking at me. I was so confused. Was this woman asking my mom but distracted and looking at me? My mom, also confused and thinking along the same lines, explained that no, she was my aunt’s sister-in-law.
“Oh, no, I thought she (pointing at me) might be [my aunt’s] sister. I’m her neighbor’s daughter…” she trailed off. I was no less confused, but was still in a rush, so I just mumbled something like “No, sorry!” and hurried into the church.
As we slid into our seats, I was trying to figure out what the woman had meant with her question. I get mistaken for a high schooler or college student a lot, but never before have I been mistaken for anyone older - much less someone in their 70s! I was still thinking about it as I glanced around the pews… and then I saw her. A few rows ahead of me, sitting off to the side of a pew in her manual wheelchair, was my aunt’s sister.
Suddenly, it all made sense. The woman had heard that my aunt’s sister was in a wheelchair, saw me outside the church in a wheelchair, and that was it - she just assumed that I must be my aunt’s sister. She assumed that there couldn’t possibly be more than one person there who used a wheelchair. (I don’t know what she would’ve done if my sister had been there next to me!) She didn’t even see me, really - she just saw my wheelchair.
It’s so funny, sometimes - I spend a lot of my time online talking about how I’ve come to not only accept, but to actually embrace, my disability. I talk about how my disability isn’t all of me, but it is a very huge part of me, and it does define me in a lot of ways. And obviously, my wheelchair is part of that! But sometimes I forget that while I spent a lot of time coming to terms with my wheelchair disability, that doesn’t mean that everyone else has done the same. I spend so much time in circles that think the same way that I do - that also are involved in advocacy, that are disabled themselves, or are interested in unlearning their biases. It means that sometimes I forget that not everyone thinks the same way that I do. Sometimes people look at me and don’t see me - they just see my wheelchair.
I am sure that the woman didn’t mean anything bad with her question; she wasn’t trying to hurt or offend me. But it’s five days later now, and I’m still thinking about it! Sometimes ableism isn’t as obvious as a giant set of stairs - sometimes it’s more subtle and seemingly innocuous, like when you’re mistaken for a 74-year-old woman. I can (mostly) laugh about it now, but there is still a little sting - it’s that little reminder that no matter how much work I do on myself, I can’t control how other people see me or what they think about me.
But I can keep writing and sharing. I can keep blogging and Substacking and Instagramming. I can keep pulic speaking. I can hope that my words will reach more and more people. I can hope that eventually, people will see me fully - they’ll see the wheelchair and the person sitting in it, too.
This week on the blog
This week’s wishlist (full of Shopbop sale picks, sadly now ended)
My favorites from the Madewell Insiders Event (still going on!)
What I’m reading and watching
I finished the audiobook of Wordslut by Amanda Montell this week, and it was so much fun. It’s a feminist look at language, and words, and how they evolve and change over time. The audiobook felt like having a little yap session with your besties - highly recommend it! I learned a lot too, but it was fun and funny and engaging.
I finished Five-Star Stranger by Kat Tang, and I’m honestly not sure what I think about it! It follows an unnamed “Rental Stranger” as he goes about his job with the various people who have rented him, and how he tries (and sometimes fails) to separate his work from his personal life and emotions. It’s definitely thought-provoking, but felt like it fell a little bit flat in some places.
I also flew through an advance copy of Set Piece by Lana Schwartz - the latest from the 831 Stories publishing imprint that will be out in May. I really love what 831 Stories is doing, and I think Set Piece is up there in my favorites from them. It’s a take on the famous person + regular person trope, but it’s written in a non-cliche way, and feels deep even though it’s only about 200 pages long.
In terms of watching… the three current shows I’m watching week-to-week are The White Lotus, The Pitt, and Severance. I’m loving all of them enough to keep up with them weekly, which means a lot!
With the rest of my TV time… I finally decided to commit, and I started watching Grey’s Anatomy fom the beginning. I’ve actually only seen maybe two seasons or so! It’s kind of like a time machine, it’s really fun (so far).
What I’m eying and buying
It was a pretty light week, shopping-wise. I’ve been perusing the Madewell Insiders Event, but haven’t actually made any purchases yet. I’m looking in particular at this cashmere t-shirt, and this boxy polo-style sweater.
I also saw this red v-notch maxi dress on J. Crew’s website and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t have anything coming up that I need a dress like this for, but that isn’t stopping me from imagining scenarios!
Finally! The CBD gummies from Earlybird that I won’t shut up about are 20% off through the end of TODAY with the code SPRINGBREAK. These have been extra helpful this week as daylight savings time has thrown my routine off!