I Don't Know How I'm Feeling
We’re barely even a week into July, but it’s already felt like it’s been much longer than that. I don’t know if any of you are feeling the same way I am (selfishly, I hope you are, because it’s nice to not feel alone), but I am kind of at the point where… I don’t even know how I feel anymore! Can anyone relate?
It feels like there’s so much going on right now, and each time I feel like it can’t get worse, it does. My job ended just as the “Great Big Beautiful Bill” (which is definitely not how I’d have named it) passed the House, the Senate, and then House again, and was quickly signed into law. The disbelief and disappointment about this turn of events are there as an ever-present reminder in the back of my mind - a reminder about the priorities of the current administration, and how low my life is on that list.
I’m honestly not sure I’ve fully processed how life-altering this could be for me, yet - it all still feels a bit surreal. Home and community based services - the services that pay for my personal care attendants - are optional Medicaid waiver services, not ones that are strictly required. As we all know, when budgets are slashed, non-required programs are often the first to go. I know there’s still so much unknown about how the law will actually be enacted, but the fear still looms.
As yet, as awful as last week was politically, both my feed and my real life conversations were full of people who cared. People who didn’t necessarily have as much as stake as I did, but who were still just as irate and outraged, and who were speaking out with me about their rage and disappointment. They reminded me that while it may feel bleak, there is a community out there who cares.
And I know that my own life keeps moving on, too, outside of what’s happening politically. And there is still so much joy to be found in the everyday. I celebrated a friend’s baby shower last month, and I’m meeting one of my very best friend’s first child later this month. I have trips to look forward to. I have spent hours on my patio, getting lost in a book while the sun shines brightly. Seriously, I have done a lot of reading. I’ve spent long, slow evenings with friends, talking about anything and everything.
I’m trying hard to focus on the small joys, because I know they’re necessary for survival. I’m trying to focus on community, because I know the only way forward is together. But I do feel like a bit of a mess right now, trying to reconcile all the good and the bad coexisting in my life. It can be hard to focus on the small good things, when it feels like so many big things are going very, very bad. I’m vacillating wildly betwen all the emotions.
I’m not ending this with some tip or trick of how to get through this - I don’t think there is one, really. But I think it’s important to acknoweldge that many of us are living with this duality right now. Community is important, knowing we’re not alone is important, and leaning on each other is important. If you’re also not sure how you feel right now, know that we will get through this - together.
Last week on the blog
What I’m Reading and Watching
I’ve been following
for a while now, so when I saw that she was writing a book called The Art of Vanishing, I knew I wanted to read it. I got an ARC from Netgalley and finished it just as the book was released (it’s out now). It’s a really sweet story about a woman who is able to step into paintings. I especially enjoyed the ending - it felt right, and not too cliche. (Amazon | Bookshop.org | Libro.fm)Julie Soto is quickly becoming one of my must-buy authors, and I really enjoyed her YA thriller that came out earlier this year called The Thrashers. It follows a clique of friends in high school who are accused of bullying a classmate so badly that she committed suicide. The friends work to try to figure out what really happened, while narrowly escaping death a few times themselves. While I did guess the “twist,” it was a really fun read and kept me on my toes. (Amazon | Bookshop.org | Libro.fm)
I also finished Mayra by Nicky Gonzalez, which will be out at the end of this month - thanks Netgalley for my early copy! This is such a moody, atmospheric, weird and confusing book, in the very best way possible. A woman goes to visit her childhood best friend Mayra, who has recently moved into a house deep in Florida’s swampland. When she gets there, she finds time - and reality - start to… blur. I loved this. (Amazon | Bookshop.org | Libro.fm)
What I’m eying and buying
There are lots of Fourth of July sales that have been going on this weekend, but I think most have wrapped up by now. But… I know that there’s one that ends today!
Hotel Lobby Candle
My love for Hotel Lobby knows no bounds. I have yet to try a candle of theirs that I don’t love, their hand wash feels amazing, and every time I enter a room with one of their diffusers I feel like I should be saying “ahhh!” Everything on their site is 20% off through the end of the day. All the scents are good, but New York and London are my favorites. And the perfume! I had been talking about wanting it for years, I basically manifested it into existence.
Also! My portable frozen margarita maker is about 50% off right now. We used this almost every day this weekend - it is so, so easy to use, and so very worth it! Couldn’t recommend more.
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Very much feeling this way, too!